Is there a Handyman in the House?

I saw a cartoon once that showed a fridge chatting to a washing machine.
Our guarantee runs out next week. Then we can have some fun!”

It still makes me smile – it’s just a rueful one. Domestic appliances are tricky at the best of times but factor in the effects of HD and you are looking at a constant list of repairs and replacements. Hearing aids. Glasses. Phone. Chairs. Tables. Bed. Toilet seat. Handles. Lamps. Cooker knobs. Fridge door, and one by one, all the shelves.
The TV has not been working properly for a month and after two replacement remote controls and almost daily calls to the manufacturer’s helpline, we’re beginning to think it is something to do with the old HD super-strength involved in Nick just switching it on and off. Now the washing machine has conked, although Nick has never used it and I suspect the carers who have suddenly become aware of its existence.
Terrific! Another hour spent on hold trying to book a repair! Just what the doctor didn’t order.  

When I think of the one thing that would improve the quality of Nick’s life, the absolute one thing, it’s not more friends or hearing implants or even the return of his missing cat.
No. It would be a live-in handyman who could fix anything. This handyman would have a pocket full of Allen keys and spanners and turn his handy hands to whatever needs sorting. Oh how worth his weight in gold he would be (though maybe it could be a she, even nicer) I’m kind of imagining a granddad character though, a granddad that Nick and I never had but who in my fantasy would live in cryogenic suspension in Nick’s broom cupboard until required again. Everything would be in its place, with silhouette outlines of all the different tools drawn on the wall. Our handyman would whistle, drink cups of strong tea with three sugars and smell pleasantly of sawdust and Werther’s originals, like a character invented by John Shuttleworth.
In his spare moments in the broom cupboard he’d whittle a bird box and fashion miniature animals out of leftover putty. And he could fix EVERYTHING, cheerfully and on the spot. Nick would never have to sit helplessly waiting for someone who could get things working again, it would just magically get done. 
I’ve fallen a little bit in love with my vision of this handyman, but in the meantime there is Sheffield council repairs service, superglue and Yellow Pages.

I also have a new idea for a clinical trial. Combine it with white goods testing and pay people with HD to use the appliances for a week or two. Manufacturers would soon learn about the toughness or endurance of their products! Maybe I could take this idea to Lord Sugar. You’ve got to admit, it’s a winner.