Typing from my pillow looking out at the sky, that as I’ve lain here has changed from clear lemony bluey sunshine to dusky twilight. Streetlights are coming on over the valley and I can see the neighbours across the road in their kitchen making tea.
‘Now the day is over, night is drawing nigh, shadows of the evening steal across the sky.’
I had such a long list of things to do today and haven’t done any of them.
Up early as usual, hit the ground running, went to work and on the way home my knees began to buckle and my feet started dragging and I just came upstairs and got into bed with all my clothes on and slept for two hours.
I think I have reached a point of burn out.
My counsellor the other day saw this coming, I think, and said she felt I needed to find some respite.
A little holiday, a night away in a hotel. I am too tired for either of these to even sound appealing, I just want to stay in bed and sleep for a week with no to-do list. No forms to sign, no proof of I.D or authorisation or address, no ten minutes of security questions for every phone call, no bloody post-it notes to carers or daily menu suggestions in the little black book. No health appointments to plan ahead, no incontinent cats or humans to clean up around, no dealing with the dozens of little health and household tasks the carers don't or won't do, no having to plan deliveries of suitable food and more importantly, wine.
But those things would mean no Nick.
No one is indispensable, I have always believed that, and in my work over the years with families affected by dementia, I’ve often counseled others to step away for a break, yes it will feel strange but you must look after yourself in order to keep looking after that person you love.
No-one ever looks after that person the way you do, which is why it feels so hard to leave them in the care of someone else; they will never be able to provide the same level of thoughtfulness and attention. Certainly, with no other next of kin there really is no-one else who can sign the forms, go through the security questions, and in the long run, make decisions in Nick’s best interests.
So I have to keep going. But maybe not quite so much like a raging buffalo.
Tomorrow is another day and there are things already set up for Nick that can’t be easily cancelled.
I haven't got the energy to cancel, that will be work in itself. So I will do them, but slowly, and I’ll make a deal with myself to look away from anything else not on the list. Look away, walk away, believe that the world won’t end.
Right now, I need to rest.