I saw a cartoon once that showed a fridge chatting to a washing
machine.
“Our guarantee runs out next week. Then we
can have some fun!”
It still
makes me smile – it’s just a rueful one. Domestic appliances are tricky at the
best of times but factor in the effects of HD and you are looking at a constant
list of repairs and replacements. Hearing aids. Glasses. Phone. Chairs. Tables.
Bed. Toilet seat. Handles. Lamps. Cooker knobs. Fridge door, and one by one, all the
shelves.
The TV has
not been working properly for a month and after two replacement remote controls
and almost daily calls to the manufacturer’s helpline, we’re beginning to think
it is something to do with the old HD super-strength involved in Nick just switching
it on and off. Now the washing machine has conked, although Nick has never used
it and I suspect the carers who have suddenly become aware of its existence.
Terrific!
Another hour spent on hold trying to book a repair! Just what the doctor didn’t
order.
When I
think of the one thing that would improve the quality of Nick’s life, the
absolute one thing, it’s not more friends or hearing implants or even the
return of his missing cat.
No. It
would be a live-in handyman who could fix anything. This handyman would have a
pocket full of Allen keys and spanners and turn his handy hands to whatever
needs sorting. Oh how worth his weight in gold he would be (though maybe it
could be a she, even nicer) I’m kind of imagining a granddad character though,
a granddad that Nick and I never had but who in my fantasy would live in
cryogenic suspension in Nick’s broom cupboard until required again. Everything
would be in its place, with silhouette outlines of all the different tools drawn on
the wall. Our handyman would whistle, drink cups of strong tea with three
sugars and smell pleasantly of sawdust and Werther’s originals, like a
character invented by John Shuttleworth.
In his
spare moments in the broom cupboard he’d whittle a bird box and fashion
miniature animals out of leftover putty. And he could fix EVERYTHING, cheerfully
and on the spot. Nick would never have to sit helplessly waiting for someone who could get things working again, it would just magically get done.
I’ve fallen
a little bit in love with my vision of this handyman, but in the meantime there
is Sheffield council repairs service, superglue and Yellow Pages.
I also have
a new idea for a clinical trial. Combine it with white goods testing and pay
people with HD to use the appliances for a week or two. Manufacturers would
soon learn about the toughness or endurance of their products! Maybe I could
take this idea to Lord Sugar. You’ve got to admit, it’s a winner.
